5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
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I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
❤️🦆