Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
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Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.