I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
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4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me