Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
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One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
I love wikipedia
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
I’m giving up for Lent.