When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
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Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Mistakes were made
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Are these grass-fed oranges?
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.