Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
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I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
where do you see yourself in five years?
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
everyone has that one prude friend
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.