I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
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This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
channeling her this year
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Just say no
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Möther may I have a snäck
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.