Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
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Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Catercrombie & Fish
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children