doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
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It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.