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If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.