friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
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“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG