[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
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Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
They’re called werewolves.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*