It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
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Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.