I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
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MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.