When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
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5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
what the
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
😩😩😩
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam