Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
You Might Also Like
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
They say women only use 10% of their anger
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”