Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
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Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
*jazz hands*
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.