I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
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If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
This is the one
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.