Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
You Might Also Like
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
I’ve been drinking.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?