30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
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pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼