I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
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If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!