I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
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The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.