My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
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*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof