Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
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Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.