Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
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Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*