KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
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All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.