My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
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I’d rather go liquor treating.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.