“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
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If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.