When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
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I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Bring back the McRib
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
dam girl
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!