“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
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If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
relationship goals
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.