If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
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“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
🤣🤣🤣
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband: