I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
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BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help