I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
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Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it