Essential oils? You mean WD40?
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Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
We have a winner.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.