[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
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Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.