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Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Finally!
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?