I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
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Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew