Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
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Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation