angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
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I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator