A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
You Might Also Like
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”