I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
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.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
no their not
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)