Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
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friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.