My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
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My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.