Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
You Might Also Like
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
BETRAYAL
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.