A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
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[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Möther may I have a snäck
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.