HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
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Based Erika
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
just having fun
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?