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I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
The future is now.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*