My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
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[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall