therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
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I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?