I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
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It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.